<HOME> - <SERVICES> - <ABOUT> - <RESUME> - <LINKS> - <CONTACT>
Black Wolf Productions is located in Kalamazoo, MI. Let me introduce myself. I'm Andie Miller, sole owner and operator of Black Wolf Productions. I started this business initially to supplement my education at Western Michigan University (see my resume) but later kept it going to provide services to my friends, family and co-workers. This business is still something I do on the side to supplement the income form my normal job. Computers & Technology have always been a passion of mine. If your looking for more info about services available please see my Services page.
As for me, I am pretty much an open book. Go take
a look at my links page for all my social media links and such.
If you need labels, I am a Queer Butch MTF Pagan. (Google is your
friend if you don't recognize a label.) I am a ISFP or INFP
depending on the day according to the MBTI Personality Test. Beyond that let me leave you with three things. The first is a excerpt from THIS
post that really brings home what the term Queer means to me. The
second is another post from someone on Tumblr (sorry I lost the link)
that hit too close to home when I was going about questioning my
gender. The third is something I wrote when a friend was having a
tough time with all of this themselves.
Queer is a term which for me recaptures the
unconstrained innocence of childhood, when best friends could all get
married together and we could all be fairy princesses one day and
firefighters the next.
Isn’t it weird that we’re all supposed to feel one way about friends, another about family, and another about lovers? Isn’t it strange that family is only determined by biology or sanctified by marriage and sealed with reproduction? Isn’t it odd that romance is supposed to be doomed without sex, and sex is considered pointless without romance? Isn’t it strange that we’re only supposed to feel one way about one person until death do us part?
Queerness, to me, is about far more than homosexual attraction. It’s about a willingness to see all other taboos broken down. Sure, many of us start on this path when we first feel “same sex” or “same gender” attraction (though what is sex? And what is gender? And does anyone really have the same sex or gender as anyone else?). But queerness doesn’t stop there.
This is a somewhat controversial stance, but to me queer means something completely different than “gay” or “lesbian” or “bisexual.” A queer person is usually someone who has come to a non-binary view of gender, who recognizes the validity of all trans identities, and who, given this understanding of infinite gender possibilities, finds it hard to define their sexuality any longer in a gender-based way. Queer people understand and support non-monogamy even if they do not engage in it themselves. They can grok being asexual or aromantic. (What does sex have to do with love, or love with sex, necessarily?) A queer can view promiscuous (protected) public bathhouse sex with strangers and complete abstinence as equally healthy.
Queers understand that people have different relationships to their bodies. We get what it means to be stone. We know what body dysphoria is about. We understand that not everyone likes to get touched the same way or to get touched at all. We realize that people with disabilities may have different sexual needs, and that people with survivor histories often have sexual triggers. We can negotiate safe and creative ways to be intimate with people with HIV/AIDS and other STIs.
Queers understand the range of power and sensation and the diversity of sexual dynamics. We are tops and bottoms, doms and subs, sadists and masochists and sadomasochists, versatiles and switches. We know what we like and don’t like in bed.
We embrace a wide range of relationship types. We can be partners, lovers, friends with benefits, platonic sweethearts, chosen family. We can have very different dynamics with different people, often all at once. We don’t expect one person to be able to fulfill all our diverse needs, fantasies and ideals indefinitely.
Because our views on relationships, sex, gender, love, bodies, and family are so unconventional, we are of necessity anti-assimilationist. Because under the kyriarchy we suffer, and watch the people we love suffering, we are political. Because we want to survive, we fight. We only want the freedom to be ourselves, love ourselves, love each other, and live together. Because we are routinely denied that, we are pissed.
Queer doesn’t mean “don’t label me,” it means “I am naming myself.” It means “ask me more questions if you curious” and in the same breath means “fuck off.”
At least, that is what it means to me.
CONFRONTING GENDER ISSUES
It’s weird how you can repress something for so long
that you think you’ve learned how to live around it, and then years
later you find that locked room in your mind where you hid all that
shit and you open the door, little by little.
you start talking about it, opening up to people.. you find yourself verbalizing all these things and it surprises you because you’ve never actually articulated the thoughts before; they’ve only ever lived inside your head. now they’ve become tangible.
the door opens wider and wider, until you realize that what you’ve been repressing, what you’ve been avoiding and locking away is actually your truest deepest self. it becomes freeing. it becomes addictive. you can’t stop talking about it, thinking about it. you’re finally making contact with your soul again. and in that way it’s wonderful. but in another way it’s horribly frightening.
it’s frightening because this deep self affirms that you’re not who you should be. it brings the dysphoria back to the foreground. it makes it all you can think about again. now you remember why you tried to suppress it in the first place. it reminds you that you’re living as something you’re not. and you can’t do anything about it. that’s why it’s so tempting to just ignore that true self of yours. bury it as best you can. continue living the life that’s “good enough,” even though you know deep down you’ll never be entirely happy.
alas, you think: whatever. i can live around it.
and the cycle starts again.
YOU are BEAUTIFUL
We are all amazing sparks of life and beauty on the
inside where it counts. These bodies we inhabit all come from the
same place. They are made up of the same parts that make up
everyone and everything. Unfortunately sometimes the bodies we
inhabit don’t always do a good job of reflecting that spark.
Sometimes they are flawed sometimes they are the wrong gender and
sometimes they are just broken. The dysphoria we feel when the
shell doesn’t match the spark can be unbearable at times. The
pain caused by the confusion and ignorance of others that can’t / won’t
see the beauty of the spark behind the flawed shell just further drives
the dysphoria deeper.
The hardest part is in realizing this and then truly owning the fact that the shell means NOTHING. The body can be looked down upon, hated, cut, mutilated or even destroyed but without that shell to keep the spark safe we are lost. And it is that spark that must be kept safe at all costs even if it must be kept in a flawed vessel. It is a difficult thing to push past our personal hatred of the flawed shells we live in. It is made even worse when the shell is too young to be able to do anything about it for themselves. The important part is that one day will bring the freedom to change the shell to better match the spark. It is a hard, difficult and often expensive road but change can and will happen. The hard part is time.
Don’t let the bullshit of today convince you that you aren’t beautiful where it counts.
P.S. Leave the cutting of the shell to the professional surgeons and doctors who can remove the flaws from when the shell was created to show a better reflection of the beautiful spark within. You can do it and I can do it. It is worth the wait.